The Bee's

Just heard that the trial is over and the guy has been found guilty of murder. I had hoped that this would give me some sort of end to the whole business but having followed the trial quite closely I am still at a loss as to how a person could love someone so deeply at one point and be setting them on fire the next.  Still the verdict is something, I now have my fingers crossed that two things happen, the man will be in jail for a very long time and whilst inside he is giving some sort of help- I can't imagine anyone who could behave this way could actually be fully sane, can they?

In about 30 seconds to be exact I think....

I haven't been on here for sometime because a lot has been happening in real life and I haven't had the time to be here and because the things that have been happening I haven't really felt like noting down.  What happened to bring me here now is not something I want to write down but I think I have too.  When something huge happens to me, for instance giving birth when I never ever thought I would have a child, I find my way to cope with the extraordinariness of it all is to have to talk about it over and over again for a few days and whether it be a good (birth) or a bad (death of a relative or friend) huge thing, I find that this helps me to deal with it.

So here I am writing it down now, not because I expect or really need for anyone to read it but because I know that it will help me to deal with it and heaven knows that is important right about now.

I am aware that there is evil in this world, I have many books about the things that man has done to fellow man.  I read the papers and know that the world I grew up in is gone forever and I mourn for that world a little at times.  I can shake my head when I read about another teenager knifed in London, feeling awful for the parents and friends of the victim and for the attacker in a way because what has been so bad in their world that has brought them to that point?  But this evil has always been rather an abstract thing until now.  I wouldn't say I was naive before because I knew this stuff happened but how I feel now makes me think I was living in a bubble.

A few days ago I witnessed an 'attempted' murder.  Well I didn't witness the actual attempt but the immediate aftermath, I didn't see the perpetrator only the victim and this is what will haunt me forever.  I also say attempted but I don't know for sure that it is even still only attempted murder and not now murder as we are being told conflicting stories, the gossip not something I had ever imagined went on after this sort of thing happens.

I looked out of my window then ran out into the street to see the most horrific scene unfolding, my immediate and gradually more extended neighbours ran out into the street to try and help.  A couple of the men did the most amazingly heroic things at no small cost to themselves and the Police were on the scene in a matter of minutes.

I won't go into too much detail about this for various reasons at this point, maybe later I will feel more able or can say more about the actual events but this is more about the aftermath.  I feel changed right through to my bone marrow because now this isn't something random and slightly removed from me, if I read about this in the papers, I would have felt horror but moved onto the next story before long but having something like this happen and be a witness to it changes you.  None of us who saw what happened will ever forget it, at least you'd have to be far, far tougher than me to be able to deal with it.  Suddenly I feel like a 'grown up', I have witnessed first hand something so very evil that my perception of people is far from the optimism I once felt.  I cannot comprehend how one person could think and plan and carry out such an attack on another human being.  I cannot imagine what someone could have done that would warrant this happening to them.  Surely there is nothing, no possible behaviour that deserves this being metered out. 

Every time I shut my eyes I am reliving the scenes I saw over and over again.  Friends and family mean well, they say that the Dr's could provide something to help me but this is not my way.  I know that I will get through this and I won't need some chemical sticking plaster to help me do that but time and luckily,  a husband who understands and is sitting with me at night and talking rubbish to help me stop dwelling on things too much.  I know that sleeping tablets or other methods work for some but it's not for me.  I want to be the BeeDee Mum who is the coper, like I usually am, but I am not quite there yet. 

I long for news of the lad but there is something of a news blackout at present, there is still a heavy police presence, which helps a bit but I wonder how long this image in my head will stay with me.  My neighbours have similar problems, some have physical scars now of where they tried to help and we are all just drifting about and having the same conversations with each other again and again.  If anything comes of this, I can't say anything 'good' because that word just cannot be applied to this, but I have learnt the names of people I had merely smiled or nodded at before as we now share this bond I would prefer we didn't.

It's 1:41 in the morning and I'm beyond tired from a week of little sleep, of snatched naps in the daylight hours after the kids have settled for the night and my husband is nearby.  But none of this matters against what another family are currently going through. 

There is much talk of "hope this guy gets what he deserves" and the old eye for an eye cliche is being spouted on an hourly basis, but what would this do?  Yes, I hope they have the right person now and that he faces a long sentence but beyond that how will this talk help?  I feel old and worn out but I can only hope in time that someone will restore my faith that people are inherently good and that this was a blip on the face of mankind. Revenge won't restore that boy to the person he was before he was attacked.

When I look back, it was literally 30 seconds in time changing my life forever, when I think of things now I place them before this happened or afterwards and I wonder how long it will be before I can make my peace with everything and whether I will ever go back to the person I was in early June 2008.

Show us your favorite flower.

Eryngium

The first two of these weren't terrible.  Not massively great either, but watchable...in one sitting.  I sat down with some anticipation to watch the third installment, knowing that Chow Yun-Fat was in this one (swoon!) but...

I'm now on my fifth attempt at watching it.  Boy is it dragging!  Plus I don't know if it is because I keep nodding off after about 10 minutes (surely not a good sign either) I have no idea what is happening with the plot at all.  I do know that Yun-Fat is not looking the hotty hot hot he does elsewhere (disappointing!) but instead is bald and scarred and has rather dirty fingernails and this has soured my enjoyment anyway but really...What is going on it this film?

AND Kiera Knightley?  What is her purpose?  She has all the dimensionally capabilities of a Kleenex Two Ply tissue.  I just don't get why we must rave on about her 'rare talent'.  She was usless in Pride and Prejudice and is the first person to ever have any input into that role who could make me dislike Elizabeth Bennet.  She is just RUBBISH!  Bafta nominations be damned, if that is the cream of our crop I fear for our film industry.  Admittedly she isn't as bad as the number 5 in my TOP TEN PEEVES, namely Kate Winslet, but still....Plus her head makes me feel funny, she sticks her neck out turtle stylee ( abit like Avram Grant-but that is a whole other rant) and her visage is just three times the size of her body, its uncanny and unnatural and I've had enough, ENOUGH I tell you!

How often do you call your parents?

Every day.  Well everyday I speak to my mum and I think about 2-3 times a week I call my Dad or he calls me.  Sometimes it is just a 30 second call and other days Mum and I can be there for ages.  I see my Dad every weekend and though I am in my mid 30's I like to know they are nearby.  I'm lucky to have the parents I have.  Even when I was a teenager, I never went through that stage of not wanting to be seen dead with your parents and now they play a big part in my life and the lives of my children.  When I was young, I didn't appreciate my parents or grandparents so I am glad my children are so close to theirs.  My elder daughter has introduced her grandad on more than one occasion as "This is my friend, Grandad"  which I think is lovely.  Watching her with my Dad brings a lump to my throat, they get such joy from being together and I love that fact that he isn't only 'Grandad' but that she considers him her friend. 

Show us what you dreamed of last night.

Alex F

YOWSER!

That is bad isn't it? In my defence it wasn't like one of my Chow Yun Fat dreams ;-)  More that I was pitch side at Old Trafford and Cristiano 'greasy diver' Ronaldo had gone a whoopsie and  was being carted off, so ole' Fergie had stared into the audience, pointed at me and I was hauled on as a right winger for the second half, I protested that I felt I would be better in a more central attacking role but he would have no bar of it.  Worxse aspect of the dream was 1) I'm not a big United fan 2) I am a girl and shouldn't have football dreams of any kind anyway and 3) I was wearing quite a flowing skirt in the dream and spent less time worrying about taking corners than asking Owen Hargreaves and Ryan Giggs if they could see my knickers.  i was glad to wake up quite frankly!

What are you ashamed of?

I love the song Copacabana.  i know, I know, that is sooooooooooooooooooo very shameful.  I just can't help it, the moment I hear the intro I can feel one buttock want to start jigging about and my hands want to make maraca movements, I don't though obviously....

If you had one month to live, what five things would you do?
Suggested by Acerebel.

1) Book a trip to New Zealand, though that isn't going to live me much of my month left to do the other stuff!

2) Talk to my sister, really talk about our childhoods and why things were always so swkward between us, so that I could die in peace knowing that we had dealt with it and she wouldn't spend the rest of her days beating herself up over things.

3) Spend one day with each person that I love best, I mean I'd want to spend them all with my family, but make sure that my husband, parents and children were forced to spend one day alone with me each, doing all the things I've most enjoyed doing with each of them over the years.  I'd want my final hours to be a peaceful reflection of the last month and happy memories of how much I valued each day spent with them.

4) Try something like Tuna.  I am 35, I have been a vegetarian for 35 years bar being forced to try spam at school a few times and whatever meal they tried to force down me which promptly made me sick on their shoes, so in the spirit of saying as an adult, "Hey, look at me, I have tried this animal product" I'd taste the tiniest morsel possible of something and for some reason Tuna seems less vile and disgusting than say Ham, which is of course, the devils own work and should be banished permanently anyway.

5) I'd spend a day planning my funeral because I couldn't possibly leave it to someone else, they might bodge it up and I'd never forgive them ;-)  Correct song: She Goes On; Correct Hymn: I vow to thee my country (if one must have a hymn) Correct flowers - no white lillies!  rill the vicar to get my name right because there is nothing worse than a vicar who has clearly never met the person and calls them by a name no family member has ever used and says they are a Chelsea fan when everyone knows they were Arsenal through and through.  AND while I am at it, I would do all this planning with a bucket of nice cold fresh semi skimmed milk by my side.  I LOVE milk but never drink it for health reasons and I figure if I on my last gasp anyway, I'll drink as much milk as I want to, dammit!

Show us your favorite way to stay warm on a cold autumn day.
Submitted by Ross.

Check Throw

Blanket, thick socks, cuddly children, hot milk, good book= Bliss!

Which TV show never "jumped the shark"?
Submitted by healthypanda. 

Seinfeld - Season 8

Seinfeld good to the end, ok not always great, but over 9 seasons only the odd dud.  But would this even count though as there wasn't really an ongoing storyline that could be seen as a 'shark jumping'.  Like say Moonlighting which was the classic show that flaked at the end.

Sex And The City : Complete HBO Season 1

Good to the end, though the film might muck that up.